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[07 Mar 2006|11:40pm] |
i dont know if any of you even read this.
but new journal.
lovisalovisa
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[09 Jan 2006|12:09am] |
i'm never on this account anymore
i guess it feels like i posted to keep people close to me
to have some sort of attachment
but when people don't read it
telling them about your life
seems fairly pointless.
i miss poco
alot.
i'll see you all wednesday and i'm scared.
i feel like i'll be under the microscope
i've missed you all so much
it hurt so bad to be away from you that i detached myself
and now i'm scared to see you
i'm scared i'm going to disapoint all you
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[21 Dec 2005|02:02pm] |
i want to run away
just pack up a leave
i want to go somewhere else
and be named maryanne
or something like that
i'll wear cute shirts
and lose the stoner weight
my pants will fit
and no one will know me
so it won't matter that i don't know them
i' could smoke nothing but long cigarettes
and be just a little drunk all the time
start a new wave dance band
with lyrics that aren't drugged gibberish
paint all my shoes
and own lots of tights
take pictures
and pretend like i'm busy
work in some sort of cafe
and own some stupid studio apartment
i could paint all the walls in different colours
and plaster them with collages
and nonsensical pictures
random bits of wall paper
i'd buy all my furniture second hand
paint it turquise with a black crackle finish
maybe i'd even get a tan
to hide my tarnished skin
i could have a cute accent
and wear big sunglasses all the time
no one would have to know me
and i wouldn't have to know them
maybe some where by a beach
or the water
somewhere far enough
to forget this life ever existed.
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[25 Nov 2005|09:49am] |
i hardly update this;
well not near enough anyways.
new things,
extentions
a boy named dylan
and gwen steffani, which was amazing.
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[16 Nov 2005|08:14pm] |
i didn't go to school today.
i talked to dylan on the phone for a long time
i was sitting out in my back yard
and all you could see was fog except for this one spot
where the sun was trying to get through
and it was really pretty.
and we had a good converstation
the kind i've missed having
it made me feel alot better
not about anything thats going on
but just that i can still be honest.
went downtown with paige
randomly ran into marina, as par usual.
she was filming for school
hung out with her and paige and garett and steven for sometime
then the boys left.
then paige.
then it was me and marina.
everything feels so different.
it feels like i'm well last,
and i know i'm not
i just i don;t know.
anyways.
we got our makeup done
and the lady asked me to model for her
so i have to find some "model ish" girls
and bring them along.
whatever,
thats about it.
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[13 Nov 2005|10:20pm] |
rinse and repeat
the same mistake yet again
each time with just
just a little more permanance
and you'd think i'd learn
yeah you'd think i'd learn
you'd think i would
and i keep wishing your right
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[08 Nov 2005|11:46pm] |
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i just don't know anymore.
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[07 Nov 2005|10:57pm] |
it doesn't feel like the life i'm living is mine
it doesn't feel like i'm living
i feel like an actor
a puppet with strings i don't hold
this is all for everyone else
is is all for you
your all holding the strings
this sin't for me
i don't know me,
well i do
somwhere i do
but unfourtunatly
i've become so good at hiding
whats really there
that i don't know what
is and what isn't
anymore
i don't know if i'm happier
or if i've done such a good job convicing everyone else, i've begun to believe it all myself.
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[02 Nov 2005|03:43pm] |
are we or aren't we
i'm fine either way
but i just want to fucking know.
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[01 Nov 2005|11:23am] |
WHAT HALLOWEEN
WHAAAT?!
so sometimes i dress up as barbie.
but barbie looks more like a drag queen in pictures.
annabel. and my ghost.
sometimes i dress like this for rocky horror.
and sometimes i make really stupid faces.
sometimes anabel and aziza highjack my camera.
multiple times
and sometimes they take creeper pictures of me
like this one
and this one
sometimes fat ladies wear fishnets.
sometimes audrey and wonderwoman attend rocky horror
along with ben sascha and aziza
and my under undergarments came too.
so then garett found some glasses
we all tried them on
except i have bad aim
and sometimes aziza has to take four pictures to get one where shes kissing my cheek
and sometimes marina is, uh yeah.
and then steven passed out?
and made beds
the end.
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[13 Oct 2005|01:41am] |
i'm not sure how many more ways there are to say sorry.
i don't know how to say sorry anymore.
i don't know if sorry cuts it anymore.
this is more then sorry.
please, just fucking please.
this can't be done yet.
it just fucking can't.
i can't deal with this ending yet.
it's able to be too good, to throw in the towel just yet.
i'm on the verge of i love you, and your on the verge of leaving.
i'd say i can't believe i fucked this up already.
but i can.
because i,
fuck everything up.
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[10 Oct 2005|10:05am] |
know whats great
when your mom
decides to over haul
your whole basement
rearrange everything
and throw out all she thinks
is garbage
INCLUDING MY BLOOD BROTHERS TICKET.
and for all i know
they might be sold out now.
FUCK.
IF I MISS THIS SHOW.
WOW, HELL WOULD BE RAISED.
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[04 Oct 2005|08:52pm] |
i never update this
paper and pen has just seemed more right lately.
since my last.
i have a boyfriend.
i've gained weight.
my roots need to be coloured.
i'm unhappier then i have been in a long time,
with more to be happy about.
i won best dressed at school today.
i've lost people i cared about,
and there's no getting them back.
i turned sixteen.
my cake made me sick.
emmanuel is living at my house.
i can deal less then ever,
and better at forgetting then ever before.
i'm not ready for any of this,
but i'm getting it anyways.
i'm yet to pick up the road sense book.
i officially have a band,
as soon as we find a drummer.
i got braces,
they stopped cutting my mouth.
my stomach is no longer flat.
my teeth how ever are straighter.
i sleep less and less,
yet often it always seems to much.
i hate mornings.
getting up.
and the shower.
my mother has stopped letting me go to shows school nights.
i missed the black dice yesterday and it sucks.
i've been drinking more.
i've been smoking more.
i've been drugging less,
but worse?
i ran out of advil.
my eyes are always sore.
the epiliptical makes my right foot go numb.
heels don't give me blisters.
i don't know who i am anymore,
but i bet you don't either.
school makes me want to kill myself,
because i hate this mask.
dance class is a grueling task,
and i have it every day,
yet wouldn't trade it for any other elective.
i only eat vegitarian sushi.
i also only eat green apples,
not red ones.
i only eat free range fish,
and no other meats.
i don't like chocolate so good.
i don't hate banana's.
i need to start going to the gym more again.
i got a new computer,
but i don't use it.
i only use itunes now.
i hate nexopia,
but can't be with out it.
i grew all my nails,
except one.
you think you knew me,
but i don't know myself anymore.
give up.
well thats just the half of it.
but there's the best update on myself i have to offer.
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[21 Sep 2005|03:38pm] |
WE INTURUPT THIS BROADCAST FOR A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT.
LAN AND LOV DAY
OFFICIALLY RESCHEDULED.
SEPTEMBER 27TH
2005
RAIN OR SHINE.
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[13 Sep 2005|11:34pm] |
i'm kind of past the point of giving a shit.
things aren't great
but enough things are alright
that i've just resorted to pushing all the rest of that shit to the back of my head any denying it any sir time.
if i don't know it, know one else has to.
Update:
there is kind of a boy.
i don't really know
what it is or,
isn't.
but as far as i'm concerned
it mostly is.
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[09 Sep 2005|11:34pm] |
so i'm here to pour my heart out.
but it doesn't make for a very legitimate conversationalist.
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[07 Sep 2005|10:37pm] |
so marina left tonight.
cried saying good bye.
i'm pretty much a mess.
i love you forever
i like you for always
as long as i'm living
my baby you'll be.
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[06 Sep 2005|09:46pm] |
and all these traces of memories once lost are starting to feel like that, just traces of something that once existed and we'd take back all those things but there isn't enough time in the world to take back all the words we've said and havn't ment and we'd give the world for it to be just like old days and old times though they seem like faint clouds fading into a dim sunset now.
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[04 Sep 2005|12:59pm] |
so things are more or less amazing
well not so much where everything is amazing
but these past few days have just been so great
the good out weighs the bad.
<33
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[02 Sep 2005|12:07am] |
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as long as your lonely you'll always be loved.
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